Dayton is number ONE in the country!!! Number one at dying! Way to go, Ohio, you’ve won Gold in the drug overdose Olympics.
This month, Dayton Ohio ranked #1 in the country for drug overdoses, followed by Cincinnati at #6, and Toledo at #10 with people funneling in from other cities to feed their habits in more accessible areas.
Dayton has also been under the microscope about a few other ways the citizens choose to pass their time such as laser tag (with real lasers), and “Nothing Going on Here”, a company that specializes in facilitating bungee jumping with the bungee tied around one’s neck.
Mental health care concerns are being addressed by gremlins that live in the Montgomery county inbox, which is in fact a waste paper basket with a little sign that reads “inbox”.
Our sources say that Jesus Christ has come forward to welcome the bored, depressed, and led astray who have been indulging in these activities, and many people have audibly accepted his invitation with the exception of a few skeptical altar boys from Cincinnati.
Satan has also extended a hand, assuring each death seeker he sees that they should keep living, take up a hobby, get laid, and perhaps smoke a joint.
God has been sending messages through Ohio’s fine and indispensable homeless lunatics that he cannot fit any more souls into Heaven, nor Hell at this time. He demands that we ALL stop dying immediately pending further development in the afterworld.
In related news, many Ohio residents are relocating to an underdeveloped section of Hell for disobeying Gods anti-death stipulations. Atheists are outraged, and are petitioning for Gods law to be changed. They will be the first people to publicly do so since King Davids wrestling match with the Metatron.
starvingartistpulpsheet 